Ticketed Motorist Pointing Finger Just The Green Light Cop Needed

Today's Satire Breaking News Story:

DANVILLE, VA—Recalling the provocation that came midway through a routine traffic stop, Danville police officer Dylan Hayden told reporters Thursday that driver Donald Watkins’ decision to frustratedly point his finger at him was just the green light he needed. “Legally, I’m not allowed to touch the motorist after pulling him over, but when he extended his index finger directly toward me, I knew that gave me the go-ahead right there to take whatever action I deemed necessary,” said Hayden, adding that as soon as he noticed the conceivably threatening hand gesture, he had full authority to skip right ahead to exerting force. “Frankly, I probably would’ve had the okay to rock and roll after he cursed under his breath, but I wanted to be absolutely certain that I was in the clear. Once he pointed his finger at my chest from inside his vehicle, I knew I’d be covered no matter what happened next. He really left the door wide open for me with that one.” Hayden expressed confidence that there was probably someone wanted for robbery who looks similar enough to Watkins to legally justify pulling him over in the first place.

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says'

Today's Satire Breaking News Story:

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Officials from the online video subscription service, which boasts a library of tens of thousands of movies and TV shows in addition to the first feature film by acclaimed writer-director Paul Thomas Anderson, told reporters they will temporarily remove all other titles from the website and devote 100 percent of their server capacity to the 1996 neo-noir drama.

“We want to make sure every one of our members watches this thrilling character study of a veteran gambler and his young protégé, so for the entire month of October, Hard Eight will be the only video available on the entire site,” said chief content officer Ted Sarandos, who, upon discovering only a fraction of subscribers had ever seen the understated masterpiece starring Philip Baker Hall and John C. Reilly, immediately called a meeting of the Netflix board of directors and urged them to approve such a plan. “It’s an incredible, one-of-a-kind film, and a directorial debut no less. Not surprisingly, all four of its main actors went on to have huge careers. We can’t in good conscience stream any other piece of entertainment until all subscribers have viewed it.”

“Honestly, it’s worth seeing for Philip Seymour Hoffman’s career-launching cameo alone,” Sarandos added.

Company representatives explained that, for the next 30 days, visitors to the Netflix website will be greeted by a large static image of the movie’s poster, below which will appear dozens of identical Hard Eight icons that can be scrolled through and clicked upon in order to view the film. According to sources, every slot in every customer’s queue will be replaced with Hard Eight, and subscribers will periodically receive recommendation emails in which only Hard Eight will be suggested.

The provisional changes will also extend to the company’s DVD mail-order service, officials stated, with Netflix having already substituted every currently requested movie with one of several million recently purchased copies of Hard Eight.

Netflix representatives emphasized that the movie will remain customers’ only option for the entire month, regardless of whether they choose to watch it on day one or if they have previously seen Hard Eight months or years before, with officials noting that the complex, multilayered film is “worth watching several times.”

“We’re pleased to announce that, throughout October, our subscribers will be able to watch Hard Eight as much as they like—anytime, on any device, anywhere,” said Netflix co-founder and CEO Reed Hastings, who added that he’s seen the opening sequence in which Sydney shows John the ropes of casino gambling “probably a hundred times” and he always finds something new in it to admire. “Best of all, once you’ve gotten to the end and the credits start rolling, Netflix will suggest you watch it again, and Hard Eight will automatically replay after 15 seconds.”

“I don’t want to give anything away, but the great scene where John and Clementine get themselves into that hostage mess, and then Sydney swoops in and just cleans everything up—that scene on its own requires at least two or three viewings to appreciate fully,” he continued.

Hastings went on to state that once the month is over, the film will be removed and replaced exclusively with Rounders, which may not be quite as impressive as Hard Eight, but is still a film you should really check out.

Man Arrested for Molesting Horse

Today's Satire Breaking News Story:

An Oregon man has been arrested for molesting a horse. Police say Antonio (Tony) J. Hall-Rivas, age 47, repeatedly sneaked into his neighbor’s barn and sexually assaulted her gelding horse.

The horse’s owner became suspicious when she found a man running out of her barn one morning. He was in the process of pulling up his pants. She saw the man on a few other occasions, but could not identify him as anyone she knew.

The woman contacted authorities, as she found evidence that the man was molesting her horse. It took authorities several months to catch the man as he always ran away before they arrived.

Police installed a monitoring camera that captured footage of the man sneaking into the barn and sexually assaulting the horse, but they were still unable to identify who he was.

As reported by KPTV, the man was in the process of running away one morning, when he dropped his hat in the woman’s yard. Police were able to recover DNA from the hat and identify Hall-Rivas as the man molesting the horse.

KOIN reports that Hall-Rivas was arrested on five counts of burglary, trespass, and sexual abuse of an animal. While in custody, he admitted to police that he had been molesting the horse for a period of eight months.

He reportedly told police that the first time he tried to touch the horse it kicked him. The kick frightened him and kept him away for a while, but he eventually went back. He stated that he could not recall how many times he molested the horse.

Detectives are reportedly trying to determine if Hall-Rivas molested another horse which was stored in the same barn.

Hall-Rivas is currently being held on $2,000 bond pending the grand jury’s decision on his indictment. He will return to court on April 16. He has not explained what motivated him to molest his neighbor’s horse.

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