The Pros And Cons Of Gun Control

Today's Satire Breaking News Story:

While anti-violence activists continue to push for stricter gun laws including an all-out ban on assault weapons, gun advocates have dug in their heels, arguing that banning firearms and concealed carry violates people’s rights. Here are arguments for and against gun control:

PROS OF GUN CONTROL:

Advances the NRA’s mission of responsibility with firearms
Cold, dead hands free to hold other things
Mailroom guy just stormed off after getting fired
Guns are so loud!
Nerds, freaks, and weirdos could once again be put in their place without fear of reprisal
Still hundreds of other ways to murder people out there
Family not worth defending

CONS OF GUN CONTROL:

Ugh, already bought so many guns
Leaves citizens defenseless against government with world’s largest military, vast stockpile of nuclear weapons
Shopping for wedding gift suddenly even harder
Already hollowed out Bible
Nothing to spin around finger when bored
May encounter some resistance
Bang! Bang! Bang! Woohoo!